Please crack already - 7 Years of questioning
I'm a 25 years old... person. But I can't tell what I am because I don't know it yet
Entry from June 3, 2025
I don't want to be masculine. Or at least I'm tired of pretending being masculine. Irl I act as natural, average and cisgender as an autistic neet person can act in front of they're family. But I'm getting tired of it.
On my early teenage years, I said that I may be asexual, because there wasn't any cis girl I liked back then (though I'm aromantic). I was Just ignorant that I was actually attracted to men from the beginning. It may sound stupid, but it was a phase of me denying being "gay". Thank god I stopped that denial phase.. right? RIGHT?
Turns out, years later, after graduating. My brain did its shenanigans again. I started to question what actually I am. And since never didn't stop.
Silly of me thinking I was just gay... turns out... I don't like very masculine people. I tried, but I just couldn't. I like more what people calls soft boys and twinks, femboys included. I guess that liking feminine persons could add me to the bi spectrum. But the genital preference to the funny human sausages is always there, which is just... too specific.
But also I just wasn't into very masculine people, also I wanted to be like the soft and androgynous people I see on the web. But to be even more specific, those leaning to a very girly feminine appearance.. then realizing that isn't as androgynous at all.
I think I was tempted into try make up as a child. But that a possible suppressed memory came out in a dream recently. In the dream I just was a child again and trying make up, just to get scold and wake up. I just can't go and try IRL
I've been interested in crossdressing as early as 16. And I started questioning I think, around 19 or 20 years. But because of my personal life and conservative environment. I just can't experiment it as I wish, and that makes me feel... idk how it makes me feel, I feel trapped in a life that should be for someone else, probably some cisgender person. I'm not detailing this. I'll summarize it on 3 words. "Involuntary Extremally Closeted"
I've seen people going to a non-binary phase before realizing they were MtF or FtM... I think it may be my situation? But idk. I can't be sure if I don't do anything, but the issue is that I can't even try because of my closeted life and conservative enviorement. If turns out, I'm transfemenine, I wish I knew it from the begining. If as a 10yo kid, I was presenting girly behaviors, then they wouldn't be surprised when I come out, that's the only logic behind that thinking.
I've changed my fursona multiple times, but I remember drawing my sona with nb and trans flag leg and arms warmer. And I still can't tell what I am? Online spaces is the only places where I can express my real self. I've been doing multiple memes and draws on the feelings I have about this.
I wish I could reborn, not in a new body, more like in a place that doesn't take away the fun of being a queer person. Because I wouldn't be on this situation if it wasn't for the kind of place I'm living.
It isn't like being transgender is illegal, fortunately, but sadly there's still not legal recognition of non-binary people... and if there was it could make stuff for me way more easy..
(While writing this, just saw... certain screenshot on Bluesky, thank god I'm not living in the US, I'm so sorry for you all, you deserved better than this 🫂)
I'm so tired of this. I've been struggling to get my art working. So instead I decided to vent a bit on my website as a way to kinda do my part on pride month.
But something that helps me always, is the idea of telling something to the bigots.
